Character Journal 4
The moment I talk about Jesus visiting me in my garden is true to a certain extent. People explain occurrences or coincidences through religion and I (actor) think this is an example of that. [S saying he has seen things and believed God or loved ones were speaking to him] Also I was young when I [Greta] say Jesus spoke to me and children’s imaginations can turn regular things into something else entirely. When I was young and living in Sweden my mother would hold bible studies with the pastor of our church and when I was old enough to read I started attending them with her.I saw these meetings as part of being an adult and where much was learned about life and the world. There was wisdom imparted on me by the pastor that I must work to help others especially those who have not yet found our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He talked about how the church was actively raising money for children in Africa. From an early age I was taught religion and the importance of helping others which carried me into being a missionary and working with children.
Daisy’s murder was an experience in my life that made me question my faith. I was the one to tuck Daisy into bed and the next morning she is gone and I have to tell Mr. And Mrs. Armstrong. I felt partially guilty and thought about all the things I could have done like check on her one more time before going to bed or checking the room before I left her there. I turn to God and my faith during this time and pray for Daisy’s return and that she is unharmed. It took them six months to figure out it was Bruno Cassetti and to catch him so I prayed for the Armstrongs and for justice for Daisy during this time and tried to be as helpful as I could to the family like helping prepare the nursery for the new baby. When they were still investigating who had killed Daisy they questioned me about that night when I put her to bed and if I saw anything out of the ordinary. I told them all I knew but they began to accuse me that I knew something more but I told them everything I knew and after being adamant on this they let me go. When Daisy’s body is the entire family and staff who knew Daisy were distraught. How could such a thing be done to someone so young and innocent and how could this happen to this amazing family who has only ever treated me kindly? I was only told about Mrs. Armstrong’s baby a week before Daisy was taken. Mrs. Armstrong did not do much but lay in her bed. Mr. Armstrong had to force her to eat and was attentive to her, but Mrs. Armstrong was not always willing to accept the help or care. Her mother, Linda Arden arrived and chose to stay at the house with her for as long as she needed. She starts to take over care of Mrs. Armstrong while Mr. Armstrong deals with the officers and lawyers who are building the case. Mrs. Armstrong one day started to have pain coming from her stomach and Mr. Armstrong and her mother took her immediately to the hospital. They were still trying to identify the killer when Mrs. Armstrong and her baby died during childbirth in the hospital. I was praying for Mrs. Armstrong during this time and for her baby asking God to protect them but when it became later in the day and there was no word from the hospital, I began to worry that something terrible had happened. When the chauffeur returned early in the morning I went down the stairs and saw Mr. Armstrong enter with Ms. Arden and Ms. Arden began to break down crying over her daughter dying and screaming at Cassetti for doing this. Susanne, Mary, and I rush down and try to console her and get her to the guest room so she may relax. Mr. Armstrong does nothing and goes right upstairs to his room. [J when she returned home from the hospital and laid on the couch for weeks barely even there. S and I tried to do as much as we could for her but it never being enough and not wanting to cry in front of her so as to not upset her further. S taking on responsibility for things and me trying to help out when I can.] After we get Ms. Arden to the guest room, Susanne, Mary, and I break down and console each other. I go to my room to pray to God for a reason why this happened to this family and why he is not protecting good innocent people. [When hear about children being murdered and yet people say that there is a higher power who has a plan for everything and that suffering makes us stronger.] I am questioning what this is all for and for this heartbreak to stop so that we may move on from this nightmare. I stayed with the Armstrong family during this time even though I had no duties anymore, no children to take care of, but instead a family suffering from loss and I wanted to be as helpful as I could to them. Susanne is being questioned heavily by the police still and she told me they are accusing her of having something to do with Daisy’s murder and I tried to console her. She came back one day from being questioned extremely quietly and said nothing to me about but I thought she just might need some time to herself and I decided to ask her about it in the morning. I continue to pray to God for the person who did this to be found and that the torture we are enduring might be relieved soon. When I woke up the next morning though Susanne had not come out of her room for some time. I go to check on her and find her in her bed with blood and a knife from the kitchen near her bed. I screamed and left the room and began to break down and Linda Arden came to see where the screams were coming from and found me making my way to the living area to tell someone what had happened. Police arrived and took her body and ruled it a suicide. I was distraught over this since she was someone I had grown close to and considered a friend especially after consoling one another and bonding through the grief we shared over tragedies that have occurred. My prayers have done nothing, people are still dying which shouldn’t be the case and God is doing nothing about it; there has been no justice or no greater plan/reason revealed, I am questioning my faith at this point but I feel guilty for questioning God [when L died and J was getting worse and how I felt like this is punishment for something I’ve done and how helpless I felt and began to talk to God again promising I will be better if he makes things better but then getting angry because I shouldn’t be having to do this in the first place.] A couple of days after Susanne had died, the police were able to catch the man who did it, Bruno Cassetti and suddenly there was hope that something may come out of this after all. In murdering Daisy he has taken another three lives and he deserves the punishment he is going to get. Mr. Armstrong barely leaves his room still and Linda Arden takes over talking with the lawyers. Linda Arden’s other daughter who I had never met and lives in Hungary arrived at the house. Mr. Armstrong remained between his room and his office and everyone tried to check on him but he only briefly talked to Ms. Arden and the countess. The losses that have been endured are still visible amongst the people who have lost and make every day a reminder of the tragedy. Walking past Daisy’s room and Mrs. Armstrong’s room every day is a painful reminder as well. A painful reminder of the human souls lost and that God has continued to plague this family, but now that the killer has been caught, God is punishing him, and hopefully, we can begin to move on from the grief and remember the happy times. Cassetti goes to trial but is found not guilty despite the evidence and testimonies and gets away with it, God does not punish the man who killed a little girl. I am confused, distraught, and angry that all of this death and grief has seemingly happened for no reason and there was no justice. Mary has left at this point and Linda Arden is staying at the house for a little longer to help Mr. Armstrong but he is back again in his office at home and does not come out. Until one evening after eating, I heard a gunshot and I ran out to find where it came from and Linda Arden was there at his office door and I looked in and saw him sitting in his chair his head leaning over to the side and blood on the floor. Ms. Arden has to get the police because I am too distraught and at this point, my relationship with my faith has changed. I have remained devoted to God, I have prayed to him over and over for this family and myself and the murderer gets away with it and now the entire family is gone and there is no reason for this to have happened. I am angry at him for all of this and angry at Cassetti for getting away with it and angry at myself for being angry with God. I am still clinging tightly to my faith in God though because if I don’t have that I have nothing and suddenly everything I have believed is wrong. This anger and the desperation I have to hold onto my faith and for something good to come out of this is what drives me to be a part of the plan to kill Cassetti. [I have seen people question their faith over less extreme circumstances, and I myself once considered myself religious but numerous things that occurred in my life altered my way of thinking and perception of the world. I have screamed at a higher power and immediately felt guilty that I was worsening my fate but have still felt angry nonetheless.]
When the plan was brought to me I thought they were joking at first but Linda Arden reminded me that this man killed an entire family and got away with it and that he deserves to be punished. She arrived to me in Sweden after I went back home to see my family, she is with the princess whom I had never met. Linda Arden begins to convince me and tells me that an eye for an eye is in the bible and that God has punished people who have done less terrible things. I am reminded of all the pain I have suffered from losing people I care about and my recent relationship with God but I have been praying to God to for a reason or justice to reveal itself and there is Ms. Arden with her plan. She ensures me that they are working on a plan and that the Armstrongs will get their justice and no one will ever know and the world will be set back into place. [I get incredibly angry when watching true crime and the police let the killer get away and then the family has to suffer with the fact that they get life after they decided to take one away.] I do not agree immediately, but after thinking and praying on it I agree. Part of me believes that this is God’s plan but part of me believes that he should be punished. [when I justify bad things or habits as part of what was determined for me but still know that I should not do them and try to do other things to counteract that. People also use their religion to justify things all the time.] I apologize to God for my wavering devotion and what I am about to do so I ask that he might forgive me if I continue to follow my faith in him and I help other’s lives.
When I actually drive the knife through Cassetti’s body and take another human soul I regret it which is why I have such explosive moments following the murder. [People in true crime who kill their abusers and feel remorse after doing so even though they were protecting themselves or others.] I know taking the life of another human being is a sin and when I complete the murder I am beginning to realize what I did was wrong and although he deserved it we shouldn’t have been the ones to punish him, God could have punished him further down the line. In the morning when I see his body and what we did to another human being in broad daylight I am faced with my sins and no longer believe I was justified but have to live with the fact and endure investigations after. Although I regret it I do not want to reveal what I have done because I don’t want to go to jail and mostly because I do not want the others to be punished either. I feel like I am no better than Cassetti at this point but when I look at the others I do not think that they are evil because great loss was endured by everyone involved and killed because of that pain in their heart.
My life objective is to relieve the guilt I have from taking the life of another human being and now my super objective is to please and appease everyone including God. I spent most of my time during Daisy’s murder and the rest of the deaths trying to help others. I am searching for companionship from the princess and have to keep the secret of killing Cassetti after I feel regret and remorse. I want to please God because I have committed sins and went through a period of time where I questioned my faith.